


Should've Picked Dare

by galaxyofstarks



Category: Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Femslash February, Mostly Lilly/Mac, and mentions of Lilly/Logan, with some Logan/Veronica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:27:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29676981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxyofstarks/pseuds/galaxyofstarks
Summary: During a slightly drunken game of Truth or Dare, Mac ends up revealing more than she intended.
Relationships: Lilly Kane & Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie, Lilly Kane/Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie, Logan Echolls/Lilly Kane, Logan Echolls/Veronica Mars
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	Should've Picked Dare

**Author's Note:**

> This idea kind of fell from the sky and I wrote it in a few days so it could be done by the end of the month, for Femslash February, after I realized I haven't actually written anything F/F in over a year and never for this fandom, which just wouldn't do. So I'm sorry for any mistakes.  
> The story starts off sometime in season 3, if it ever made sense for this group to have a get-together like this. It's kind of implausible, but let's roll with it, okay? And the flashbacks have the dates so hopefully all the time jumps aren't too confusing.

Mac never should have agreed to Truth or Dare. Truth or Dare was a stupid, stupid game no one older than middle school should ever play because then too many delicate secrets could come out, and it was really not worth the entertainment value. That was especially true of their group, who had lived through their share of trauma and awful circumstances over the years leading them to this little drunken college soirée.

She’d only really agreed because she was a bit drunk and Parker had insisted and Parker really didn’t know how truly intense some of the Neptune High graduates’ shit was. She thought they were exaggerating, and the lot of them had not been sober enough to be lucid and straight-up refuse. They should have.

First there had been Logan having to fess up about his body count. It should have been funny when someone joked about what kind of body count – you know, sex or murder – but given that he’d been falsely accused of murder twice, and been the unwitting killer of Thumper, it was just really awkward. And then he’d had to admit he didn’t remember the exact number, which was possibly even worse, what with the guilty glances he kept throwing at Veronica, who pretended everything was fine but who kept her lips pursed.

But Logan’s embarrassment wasn’t the highlight of the night. No, for once, surprisingly, the award could go to Mac. No one had expected that and that, too, would have been funny if it didn’t fucking suck. It was a classic Truth of Dare question. She had not been feeling like getting up for a dare, so she’d picked truth, and really Wallace meant absolutely no harm when he asked a tame, normal question. If her answer wasn’t so freaking wrong to give to _this group_ , she would have been thankful for it. And the truth was, she should have expected it, because, come on. It’s a classic, easy one.

But not _now_. Not _here_.

“Mac! Truth or dare?” Wallace shot her way, crossed legged on the floor, hugging a pillow to his chest.

“Truth,” she replied.

Wallace stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Who was your first kiss?”

Mac’s face instantly lost all its colour.

“That is such a lame question,” Parker whined, and really, she was right. The answer wasn’t lame, but the question sure was.

Veronica turned thoughtfully to Mac. “You know, I actually have no idea who your first kiss was. Weird.”

 _Not so much_. She’d very carefully avoided ever bringing it up.

“Let the woman speak,” Logan said, carelessly refilling his glass with more beer. Like Mac’s answer was so insignificant, whatever it was.

It was fine to lie in situations like this, right? White lies were _made_ for situations like this. Situations like this were basically a test to see of someone was good enough at lying.

“Hey, Mac, you okay?” Parker asked her, a hand on her shoulder.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“So?” Wallace pressed.

To lie or not to lie? That was the question.

She couldn’t think of a good lie, her mind was too fuzzy, too boozy, she had no idea what to say, so she just waited until none of them was taking a swig of their drink – _Jesus, Logan, you can slow down a little_ – and took a breath.

“Lilly,” she let out, barely above a whisper.

“Huh?” Piz asked, because of course all that _he’d_ registered was that it was a female name.

“Lilly,” Wallace repeated, dumbstruck. “As in Lilly…”

“Yeah,” Mac cut him off. “As in Lilly Kane.”

“Holy shit,” Parker murmured, finally catching on.

Mac risked a glance at the ones whose reaction she had been fearing the most. Logan was just staring into the void, a bit lost, and Veronica was frowning, her mind obviously trying to piece everything together.

“So how about we call it a night?” Mac asked, standing up and clapping her hands.

But no one moved, stunned and/or drunk. She sighed.

“Well, _I’m_ going to call it a night, then,” she squeaked. “Goodnight!”

Before she was out the door, Logan had gotten up and walked up to her. “Wait,” he said, grabbing her arm before she could make it out of his suite.

“Logan, I –” she started.

“If you’re about to apologize, don’t.”

She wasn’t going to, but whatever. She was actually going to say she had a comp sci homework to finish, which was technically true, even if she had no intention of finishing it tonight. So she just shut her mouth and looked up at Logan.

“When… when was it?” he asked tentatively.

“You guys were broken up,” she said, pulling at her sleeves uncomfortably. “In April, freshman year.”

Logan nodded, like he remembered which breakup, which was unlikely, seeing the sheer number of them and the usually tiny duration. That one had lasted less than a week.

Mac sighed and dropped her bag back to the floor. She’d explain, if only to enrich the memory of Lilly to two people who had both loved her.

_November 2002_

It wasn’t like Mac didn’t know she wasn’t straight. She’d grown up with a weird obsession with Jasmine’s bare midriff in _Aladdin_ and had had an embarrassing crush on her counselor at camp the summer before 8th grade. But it had never been concrete because, well – cartoon character, girl who was 5 years older and had a boyfriend. There was not even a thought about acting on it because it was unreachable. There hadn’t even really been a thought about _ever_ acting on it or coming out or whatever because, come on. As long as it wasn’t necessary, she wasn’t just going to disclose it and wave a flag under everyone’s nose. Because that would attract attention and it was the last thing she wanted.

There was a person who attracted the attention, though – and god, did she attract attention. And Mac felt so fucking dumb for having this kind of weird admiration for her because all the boys had a crush on her, and she had a boyfriend – who was also pretty damn easy on the eyes, thank you very much – and she was a sophomore and everyone knew she’d had flings with half the male population. So, you know, Lilly Kane? Probably the same level as Jasmine from _Aladdin_ and Tabitha from camp.

And then they were parading down the halls, Lilly Kane and Logan Echolls, and, yeah, they were the most attractive couple she’d ever seen in real life, probably. And there was Veronica Mars, who was cute as a button, and Duncan Kane who was… well, he looked fine, really, but he kind of creeped her out, to be honest, who were always trailing with them, too. But Logan, who was handsome and cool and smirking his way through life, and Lilly, who was quite simply the undisputed queen of Neptune High, were just clearly the more attractive pair. Especially Lilly. Lilly was like… a goddess, or something. Mac could very well imagine her wearing those kinds of togas Greek goddesses wore in drawings, flowing in the wind, draped all around them, with those golden bracelets all over their arms and their hair curled beautifully, cascading down their shoulders. Just like… gorgeous, beautiful, unreal, really. Out of her league.

Not that Mac _had_ a league. There was no dating pool, not really any friends, either, except a few girls she knew she could pair up with for group projects, it was mostly her and her computer. And if she’d thought for a second (for a few weeks, okay, maybe a few months) that her love of and abilities with computers might get her an in with the heiress to one of the biggest software empires in the world – that had died soon enough, when she’d overheard Veronica Mars and Duncan Kane talking about how Lilly couldn’t even find her way around her own cellphone sometimes, in math class. Or had it been science? Whatever. Lilly wasn’t as good with computers as her father – or, as it turned out, interested at all. Well, if Mac married Lilly, then _she_ could learn with Jake Kane, weren’t parents happy when their kid’s spouse could understand their business, too, and help? She remembered how fondly her mother’s father talked about her own father, since they were both accountants and understood each other’s work. She and Jake Kane could be like that and – and wait, when had she started fantasizing about _marrying_ Lilly Kane? It wasn’t like she could, anyway, even if they both wanted. Which they didn’t, because Lilly didn’t know she existed.

But then one day in November, something happened that made Mac think that maybe Lilly Kane would know who she was. Not, like, remember her name, or anything, but if they passed each other in the street, Lilly might think “huh, I have seen this girl before, maybe we go to school together!” Or something.

So anyway, that was what happened: Mac was just washing her hands in the bathroom during lunch break, because she wasn’t disgusting so she washed her hands, and because she still had 14 minutes before the start of her next class and she had absolutely nothing to do so she scrubbed again and again. And then who should walk in during her repetitive hand washing session than the girl of her dreams, the light of Neptune High, the pearl of the – okay, yeah, whatever, it was Lilly Kane.

Lilly Kane was in the same bathroom as Mac and it was only the two of them and _yes_ Mac knew exactly how to breathe, it wasn’t like there was something else to do besides breathe and look ahead and pretend she hadn’t spent the 2 and a half months since the start of high school having this ridiculous, embarrassing, honestly kind of massive crush on the girl in the bathroom with her.

“Can I ask you a question?” the blonde asked.

Mac looked behind her because evidently Lilly Kane couldn’t have been talking to a nobody freshman. Seeing no one, she looked back to Lilly. “Me?”

Lilly smiled wide, and for some reason she didn’t even look like she was judging her, and that was surprising, because while Mac had had slight fantasies about marrying her (Lilly would have worn a dress, and Mac a white pantsuit), she was still an 09er and notoriously a judgmental bitch. Which was, you know, not necessarily a thing that made crushes go away even when it was well known.

“Yes, you.”

Mac shook her hands over the sink. “Uh, sure.”

Lilly plucked a paper towel from beside her and handed it to Mac from the tip of her fingers. When Mac took it with a small smile of thanks, Lilly took out the barrette from her hair and shook it out as Mac watched, silently wondering what the hell was going on.

“So,” Lilly said, like this was extremely important and Mac had to look at her dead in the eye or she wouldn’t grasp the complexity of the situation. “My hair looks just, like, awful today.”

Mac opened her mouth to protest because, Lilly Kane, awful hair? Did not compute.

Lilly cut her off. “You’re probably, like, a super nice person, and you’ll disagree with me, but let’s save it, okay? I _know_ I’m generally fabulous, but. You know. Bad hair days, am I right?” Lilly asked rhetorically, leaning over to Mac conspiratorially and oh my gosh what was that smell she needed it everywhere from now on. Mac nodded, hoping her eyes weren’t too wide. “Right! So, this isn’t my best hair day. Don’t tell anyone, especially not Logan.” Mac just continued nodding, because how would she even talk with Logan Echolls anyway? It wasn’t like their paths ever had any chance of crossing.

“Uh, so what’s the question?” she asked with a small voice, still recovering from Lilly’s perfume in her nose – what was it? It smelled expensive so it wasn’t like she could buy a bottle and smell it to smell Lilly and anyway that was a bit creepy – but she did have a class in… less than 14 minutes. She actually had no idea how long it had been since Lilly Kane had entered the bathroom.

“You obviously have great taste, because, I mean…” Lilly gestured with her perfectly manicured hand at all of Mac, who was dumbfounded, most of all by the distinct air of not-making-fun-of-her Lilly was adopting. She would have thought she was at the centre of an 09er prank, probably, but for a reason she couldn’t explain, she felt like time had stopped in this bathroom, the social games paused for an indefinite time as Lilly Kane asked Cindy Mackenzie about hair.

“Oh, uh, thanks.”

Lilly reached out to take a strand of Mac’s hair between her fingers. “I mean, that colour is so… bold. I love it!”

It was a purple streak, right now. Mac liked it, too, it was her favourite she’d done so far. “Oh, thanks. My mom hates it.”

Lilly threw her head back laughing. “Mothers, oh my. Mine hates _everything_ I do.”

That wasn’t really new, everyone knew Lilly Kane was gleeful at every opportunity to rile up her mother.

“I’m sorry,” Mac said with what she hoped was a sympathetic grimace.

Lilly waved her off. “It’s fine. So – wait, what’s your name?”

Mac had no idea why she said that, but she told Lilly, “Cindy.” No one called her Cindy, except her parents. She kind of hated when people called her Cindy. But “Mac” suddenly didn’t seem refined enough to offer to Lilly Kane.

“So, Cindy. You’ve got hot hair and a cool kind of unique style.”

 _Unique to an 09er, maybe_.

Lilly continued. “I don’t know what to do to make my hair not look like total crap the days it just _won’t cooperate_ , you know? Do you think if I had a colour in it, like you, it would distract from the fact that it’s flat? Not that your hair is flat!” she added, eyes wide in horror, a hand on Mac’s shoulder. “Just, you know, what do you think?”

“I don’t think you need any colour to have amazing hair, I mean – I just – your hair is gorgeous. Even now. I wouldn’t know you were having a bad hair day if you hadn’t told me,” she finished lamely.

“You really think so?”

The queen of the 09ers, asking her if she thought she really did look okay? _Lilly, you look like you stepped off a runway and you’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen in real life_. She’d wake up soon, for sure.

“Yeah,” she told Lilly sincerely, awkwardly running her moist hands up and down her thighs to dry them.

Lilly looked at herself in the mirror, pensive, raising sections of her hair one after the other as if to gauge what different hairstyles would look like. Mac just looked at her too, through the mirror.

“Sorry, by the way, for, like, trapping you in the bathroom. But Veronica’s sick today so I can’t ask her and it’s not like any of the others have great taste or would be honest, they just kiss my ass and think I don’t notice them ogling Logan.” She let out a crystalline laugh and let go of her hair, turning to look at Mac, who suddenly felt too close. It was surreal, being in a bathroom with Lilly Kane, who was talking about her friends like everybody was on a first-name basis with them, which was, okay, fair enough. Everyone would know who she was talking about.

“It’s not a problem. I don’t really have anything else to do,” Mac replied, her breath hitching because sure Lilly Kane might not realize how big of a deal it was but she was _right there_ in her face.

Lilly looked at Mac’s hair thoughtfully. “Do you ever tie your hair? Wear it up? Because it looks just really good like that, normal.”

“Oh, uh, not really. I just pull it back sometimes.”

“You’re lucky. You just look… effortlessly cool.”

“Thanks? I, uh. I think you look great, too, I mean…” Mac didn’t know what to say. Calling her what she called her in her head (a goddess, a princess, something along those lines) felt a bit extreme here. “Everyone’s always trying to be you, you know? But you do it better.”

Lilly beamed. “Thank you.” She turned to look back at herself in the mirror, fluffed her hair. “I do, don’t I?”

She picked up her bag on the floor and slipped a scrunchie on her wrist. “Just in case I lose the confidence,” she said with a wink. And then she was gone.

But Lilly Kane had winked at her and Mac stayed there, dumbstruck, for a few seconds, until the warning bell sounded, telling her to hurry to get to class.

It was hard to stop thinking about her interaction with Lilly Kane, the following days. The following weeks, really. Lilly didn’t make any move to acknowledge her at any moment, but the encounter stuck in Mac’s mind, replaying over and over again. And so, yeah, maybe Lilly Kane was as inaccessible as Jasmine from _Aladdin_ and Tabitha from camp, but at least she’d complimented Mac. More than once.

_April 2003_

When Lilly Kane sat down in the seat next to her in the computer room, Mac didn’t really raise her eyes or go as far as to think her choice of seating had anything to do with her. Her heartbeat accelerated like crazy, but she kept her gaze on her screen, her fingers on her keys, and she, like, barely noticed that Lilly was wearing the same perfume as last time.

“Cindy, right?” Lilly asked from Mac’s right, and Mac had to acknowledge _that_.

She turned in her chair so that her upper body faced Lilly, and gave a small nod. “Yeah.” Meanwhile, her entire body was screaming because that was _Lilly Kane_ who still smelled _so good_ and who remembered her _name_. Like, not even a slipup. Not even a hesitation. The “right?” at the end sounded like it was there just to be polite.

“I’m afraid I need your help again.”

It wasn’t a question, not even really a request. It was a fact, a statement. Lilly Kane needed her help, and therefore she would give it. She wondered if anyone had ever told her no, how she would react to that. If anyone was immune to her charm, because Mac certainly wasn’t.

“What can I help you with?”

“I’ve been told you’re good with computers?”

Mac had no idea who could possibly have known that in Lilly Kane’s social circle – Meg Manning? She was on the pep squad with Lilly, and she was always so nice with everybody, she could probably spew three fun facts about any random freshman – but she nodded with a small smile. Yep. She was good with computers. She had cool hair – blue streak, this time around – and she was good with computers.

Lilly smiled widely, like she was relieved. “Oh, great! I would ask Logan, but, you know.”

It was purely because of her crush that Mac did, in fact, know. Lilly had broken up with Logan Echolls the previous day. She didn’t know why they’d broken up (she’d heard Veronica Mars had been dragged into it, but didn’t know much more), but the poor guy looked pretty miserable. He always did, and it never lasted long.

“And I think you probably know better anyway. I’m not trying to locate porn, so,” Lilly shrugged with a giggle.

“Oh, then I can’t help you,” Mac deadpanned and Lilly looked at her for a second and only started laughing when she noticed the slight upturn of Mac’s lip.

Lilly put a hand on Mac’s shoulder, to accentuate her points, probably, she seemed to be a very touch-oriented person, but her eyes trailed to the hair falling over Mac’s shoulder. She ran her fingers through it. “Blue,” she noted. “Like your eyes!”

Mac gave a shy smile. “Yeah.”

“Damn it, you really do have great hair.”

“I’m… sorry?”

Lilly laughed again, and honestly Mac wished she could just keep making Lilly Kane laugh because it was so sweet. So enchanting.

“Don’t be sorry, silly. You might just be the coolest girl in this school. After me. And Veronica.”

“I think you’re the only one who thinks that,” Mac replied doubtfully.

Lilly waved her off. “Do the others matter?”

Lilly Kane really was full of herself, and that was probably _bad_ , but, lest it be reminded, Mac had this ridiculous, ridiculous crush on her, and so, yeah, the others didn’t matter.

“So what can I help you with?”

“My dad wants me and Duncan to learn about computers, you know, to take over the company or whatever, but I don’t want to. I’m not interested.”

“Okay…”

“ _But_ ,” Lilly said theatrically, “he said if Duncan and I want to be on the board of the company one day – and, like, make actual money from Kane Software – we should at least know the basics. So I’d like you to show me.”

“Show you… the basics?”

“Yep!” Lilly replied peppily, and Mac was a bit dumbstruck.

“What… kind of basics?”

Lilly gave a dramatic sigh. “I don’t know. He said ‘the basics’ and I don’t think he believes I’ll actually go through with it. Duncan, either, he thinks he’s got the all-clear to take over. Ha! As if.”

Help the girl of her dreams to overtake her vaguely sickly-creepy brother in a stupid rich people competition? It sounded both straight out of a rom-com (not that Mac had watched that many, but she’d had sick days in middle school with not much to watch) and ridiculous. Her parents would not be pleased with her for agreeing. But when had her parents ever understood anything she liked, anyway?

A slow smile crept shyly on Mac’s features. “Sure. I’ll help you. What kind of time do you have?”

They quickly worked out a schedule to meet back there the next day, when Duncan (Kane) and Veronica (Mars) would be out on a date and Logan (Echolls) would be studiously avoiding his off-again girlfriend. Mac showed Lilly a few basic functionalities of the computer in front of which she was sitting, but left the bulk of it for the next day. She had to keep it intriguing enough to get Lilly to actually want to come back. Mac wasn’t stupid enough to believe Lilly would come to a meeting just because it was the nice thing to do.

Just as the two of them stood up to leave, Lilly looked pensive, before declaring: “I like you, Cindy… wait. Cindy what?”

“Oh, uh, Mackenzie. Cindy Mackenzie. My friends call me Mac,” she offered with a sheepish smile.

Lilly ignored that.

“I like you,” she repeated. “You say the same things as the other girls, but you actually mean it. You wouldn’t tell me I look great with that horrid neon green tub top that did _nothing_ for my boobs. Madison and Shelly were all over it, it was _so_ fake.”

Mac doubted Lilly could possibly look bad in _anything_ , so she probably would have agreed with Madison (Sinclair?) and Shelly (Pomroy?) if asked about Lilly in a tube top. In a halter top. In a crop top. In any top. In no top. Okay, not that last one. Although…

“Thanks. I like you too,” Mac offered, which was truly the understatement of the century. Or, at the very least, of the day, that much she was sure about.

“Veronica would like you,” Lilly added, before shrugging and smiling. “See you tomorrow, Cindy!”

And just like that, she was out the door, while all the spots on Mac’s arms Lilly had touched or brushed were still burning.

The next day, Mac arrived 3 minutes late to the computer lab so it didn’t seem like she was _too_ eager, but also, she actually _was_ too eager, so she wouldn’t allow herself to really be late.

Lilly was arriving at the same time, and smiled brightly when she saw Mac as they walked towards each other from either side of the door.

“Ready for your lesson?” Mac asked, trying to seem assured by being the one to start the conversation.

Lilly grimaced. “At least it’s not some old fart trying to teach me.”

Maybe her meter was just ridiculously low, but it made Mac smile.

Lilly was a surprisingly attentive student – the lure of continued wealth must have been a strong incentive – and she even asked one or two questions to Mac during the first hour. As the second hour was reaching its halfway point, though, Mac felt she had lost Lilly, so she stopped and looked over at her student, who was indeed lost in thought.

It took Lilly half a second to realize she’d been caught, but instead of apologizing or justifying her behaviour, she turned her mesmerizing green gaze on Mac. “You know what you are, Cindy Mackenzie?”

Mac was almost afraid to say anything, do anything. “What?” she asked, breathless.

“Cute. You’re really damn cute.”

“Thanks?”

“You’re welcome,” Lilly replied with a wide smile, seeming pleased with herself, completely brushing over the fact that she’d been caught daydreaming during the computer tutorial she’d requested herself.

Call her crazy, but Mac could have sworn that there was absolutely no further motive in her eyes that day, that Lilly had really just called her cute to call her cute, served her a compliment and _meant_ it. It shouldn’t have been such a momentous realization, and Mac kind of hated herself that it meant so much to her, but it also made her blush all over, feel all fuzzy inside.

After a beat, during which the two girls stared into each other’s eyes, Mac cleared her throat and vaguely gestured at the computer screen. “Shall we…?”

Lilly mulled this over. “Can we take a break?”

Her mom would probably be annoyed that Mac wasn’t home as early as she’d said, but Mac couldn’t very well say no to Lilly Kane, could she? (She imagined her mom would have said that yes, she very damn well could say no to whoever this girl was, but then again her mom was not really clued in to the fact that Lilly Kane might have just been the definite proof that angels roamed the Earth, so what did she know?)

“Uh, yeah, sure. What do you want to do?”

A smile crept on Lilly’s face, and it was equal parts terrifying and enrapturing.

“Come on,” the blonde said, and Mac was going to protest when Lilly dragged her out of the room, leaving their bags there for anyone to take, but Lilly was _holding her hand_ and that was kind of awesome and also insanely soft. So, like, whatever. Her things could get stolen as long as Lilly kept doing whatever this was.

Lilly led Mac to the expanse of grass behind the tables, just before the football field, and lay down on her back, eyes closed. Mac hesitantly sat down cross-legged beside her, surprised that Lilly wasn’t careful about getting chlorophyll all over her clothes.

Lilly opened her eyes and met Mac’s. “It’ll wash off,” she shrugged, like she’d read her mind. “Don’t you want to lie down? The sun is so nice. Come on,” she said, and patted the spot next to her.

Lilly Kane really had to stop telling Mac to come on, because those two little words held way too much power.

When Mac matched Lilly’s position, the older girl turned her head to look at her. “Isn’t it peaceful?”

Besides her heart hammering in her chest because Lilly was so close, talking so naturally, as if their noses weren’t a few centimetres apart once Mac had also turned her head, Mac really did feel peaceful. Like she was in another reality. So she nodded, almost imperceptibly.

Lilly had a mischievous glint in her eye and she bumped her nose softly to Mac’s, and it made Mac smile. It was so silly. Just – ridiculously silly, because they didn’t _really_ know each other but they were lying down in the grass, their hands almost touching, with no one else around, and they’d bumped noses. Who did that? She let out a small chuckle and Lilly smiled wider.

“You really aren’t like other girls,” Lilly murmured, and Mac would have contradicted her – she was very much like a regular girl, it was just that Lilly’s perception of regular girls was Madison and Shelly and Kimmy – but then out of nowhere, Lilly’s soft plump lips were brushing against hers and her brain completely short-circuited.

It was a good kiss, as far as delicate but firm brushes of lips against lips went, not that Mac had any kind of way to measure this kiss against others, because her Previous Kisses Bank was empty, but it was… it was good. It felt nice, and still surreal, and she wondered if she was dreaming, but then she decided she wasn’t because Lilly had one of her Lilly giggles and Mac realized it was because she’d placed a hand on Lilly’s hip to steady her when she’d risen to properly kiss her from kind-of-above. She smiled in answer to the giggle, not moving her hand, and Lilly kissed her right on top of the smile, muttering something that kind of sounded like “adorable” but maybe it was just wishful thinking on Mac’s part.

This time, Mac opened her mouth just a tiny bit, but it was enough for Lilly to slip her tongue inside and, yeah, Mac really was pretty sure that was a good kiss by any standards. Lilly let one hand wander to the side of Mac’s face – more like her hair, actually – while her other arm kept her from toppling over the brunette.

And then it was… it was a nice few minutes, before they got back up and headed inside to wrap up the lesson. But Lilly kept touching Mac’s arm or her shoulder or her fingers the entire time they had left, so it was cool, too. Definitely ranked high in Mac’s list of favourite moments of her life.

And Mac knew she wasn’t supposed to talk about it, that it didn’t really mean anything to Lilly Kane to have kissed a freshman girl with blue hair and a knack for computers, but it meant a lot to her, and she kept the memory of the way Lilly placed a smacking kiss on her cheek as thanks when she left long after Lilly last talked to her.

Following that day, it was weird for a moment, there, because she wished she could go up to Lilly and talk, or something, but she knew for Lilly she’d just been a one-time comfort kiss or… or whatever. She’d stopped thinking about it instantly but Mac had thought about it for months, all the way to the news that Lilly’s head had been smashed in, and beyond.

There was something very strange – very awful, honestly – about having your first boyfriend turn out to be a rapist and murderer and _die_ when you were waiting in the hotel room with no idea what was going on, that he was threatening your friend with a gun at that moment. But it was just stranger – and more awful – when it followed the murder of the girl with whom you’d shared your first kiss. Neptune 101, welcome to town, was your high school experience memorable enough? No? Let’s have your boyfriend leave you naked in your hotel room while he blows up the mayor’s helicopter. Are you still scarred by the death of a girl you liked way more than you should have, way more than anyone should have ever let you? It doesn’t matter. You’re in Neptune. It just gets more shitty from now on.

_Present time_

Parker spoke first, and Mac wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. “That’s kind of a sweet story.”

Mac almost laughed, and she caught Wallace’s eye, who seemed to also be holding back laughter, because, yeah, if Lilly hadn’t died, and her boyfriend at the time of the events wasn’t sitting right there, it might have been kind of a sweet story. As it was, it was just awkward.

“I just… I don’t understand how come she never told me about you,” Veronica said. At least she didn’t question the story, which would probably have hurt, just a little bit.

“I didn’t know either,” Logan offered.

Piz spoke up, and why was he still here? “Isn’t it normal that your girlfriend didn’t tell you about the other people she kissed?”

Logan had a sardonic laugh. “You didn’t know Lilly. No, Lilly liked to rub it in my face. Every single guy she’d be with when we were broken up. Or when we weren’t.”

Veronica put a steadying hand on his shoulder, her arm around him, and she absently kissed the other shoulder, the one closest to her. “But you didn’t sleep together,” she said, probably to Mac but she was looking kind of lost, her gaze unfocused. It suddenly sharpened and she looked up at her friend. “Right?”

“Right,” Mac nodded.

“Right, so, there, she wouldn’t have told you,” Veronica told Logan, resting her chin on his shoulder to look at him.

He shook his head. “Nah, she didn’t only tell me about the guys she slept with. I know for a fact she never slept with Enbom. But she made out with him and told me about it. Well, she called me ‘by accident’ when she was with him.”

“She probably told me about more guys than you,” Veronica said. “She told me everything. Well, not everything, I didn’t know about…”

“Right,” Logan nodded.

“Or…”

“Thank god.”

Parker looked between the two of them, eyes wide. “Do you have any idea what they’re saying?” she asked Wallace, who was closest to her.

“Yeah,” he simply said. “I know which two that was. Nobody knew until after she died.”

“Maybe it was because Mac’s a girl?” Parker suggested.

Veronica snorted. “I doubt it. She told me about the day she made out with Paula. And I got a play-by-play recap of her going to second base with Kimmy that I really could have done without.”

“Oh,” Parker said flatly.

Mac didn’t know either why Lilly had never told anyone – not even Veronica Mars. When she’d become tentative friends with Veronica, she’d expected her to know. But it was a bit of a blessing that she didn’t, because then Mac was someone new, someone fresh and mysterious, someone who could take her mind off Lilly and all the other tragedies of her life. And Mac didn’t really think of Lilly when she saw Veronica, not anymore. Hadn’t since Lilly’s death, actually.

“Well, it’s not like I was an impressive prize to have scored,” Mac said. “She wouldn’t make Logan jealous by telling anyone she kissed me.”

Veronica’s soft gaze fell on Mac. “Hey…”

But she couldn’t really find anything to say, and Mac didn’t blame her. There was nothing to say.

“I think you’re a damn catch, Mac,” Wallace pronounced. He was kind of drunk, but it was sweet in that innocent, drunken honesty.

“Yeah, anyone would be lucky to parade with you at their arm,” Parker pronounced, and she sounded so honest it was strange. Good strange.

“I would’ve been jealous,” Logan said quietly. Everyone turned to look at him. “Yeah, I mean, come on. The guys she fooled around with to make me jealous, I knew that’s all they were for. They were like me, proof she didn’t need me, she could find another rich boy with a nice car and a big house easily enough. But you… you’re not some idiot she can exchange at the drop of a hat. That would’ve made me jealous, that you’d gotten to see _her_ properly, because those guys sure as hell never did.”

Mac thought that might have been the nicest thing Logan Echolls had ever said to her.

Veronica turned to Mac again, her head still on Logan’s shoulder, her fingers intertwined with his. “I think… I think she must have really cared for you.”

Mac gave a derisive shrug.

“No, honestly,” Veronica insisted. “The meaningless hookups, she boasted about. That was all they were. I think… maybe she wanted to protect you, by keeping it from Logan, and me, and everyone else. Keep it sacred.”

“Also, you would have had no idea who she was talking about,” Mac reasoned.

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Wallace replied, shaking his head. “Look, I didn’t know Lilly, okay? But come on, Mac, you make an impression. She can’t have been that immune.”

“I knew your name,” Logan confirmed.

“It took you months to learn Wallace’s!” Veronica replied, disbelieving.

“No, yeah, I know, because he was hanging out with you, so ew.”

Veronica rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling.

“But I knew Mac’s name,” Logan continued. “You were in my math class, freshman year,” he told her, and Mac nodded. “You were the only one who got an A at Selinger’s midterm. Well, in our class, because of course Miss Mars here also got an A.”

Veronica poked his ribs. “If you’d just agreed to let me help you study sooner… We would’ve had more than two study sessions before I was suddenly public enemy number 1.”

“Dick told me he didn’t even know I was in their class, before,” Mac snorted. “I think it was supposed to be a compliment?”

“That’s Dick for ya,” Veronica replied.

“I’m kind of glad he wasn’t here tonight,” Wallace noted.

Veronica actually laughed, and once she started, none of them could stop.

“Oh, god, I can imagine his comments,” she finally wheezed.

“I think the extent of them would be something like ‘that’s hot’,” Logan rationalized, which made them all laugh harder.

“I think he just would have been surprised there was someone before Cassidy,” Mac said, and suddenly it wasn’t really funny anymore. She grimaced.

Piz and Parker looked confused, Piz’s gaze jumped from Mac to Veronica to Logan to Wallace, trying to understand what was going on. Finally, he asked, “Cassidy? Who is she?”

Veronica had a small laugh, and Logan looked at her incredulously. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Just… come on, how surreal is this?”

Logan snorted. “Yeah.”

“Cassidy was Dick’s brother,” Veronica told Piz. “Mac’s, uh, first boyfriend.”

“Okay…” Parker said, clearly still not sure what was so sobering about him.

Mac decided to have pity on them. “Note the past tense. Cassidy caused a bus crash, killing a bunch of students, including a friend of Veronica’s, who was pregnant. And then when she confronted him when she figured it out, he left me… uh, alone… and threatened her with a gun.”

“Then he tasered me,” Veronica jumped in. “He would’ve shot me, too, if Logan hadn’t arrived.”

“And then somehow Veronica ended up with the gun, and I took it from her so she wouldn’t shoot him.”

“Because he’d just blown up the mayor’s plane and I thought my dad was in there.”

“And then he jumped off the roof,” Logan finished.

Piz opened his mouth a few times, no words coming out. Parker bit her lip, before crawling over to Mac and folding her in her arms. Mac awkwardly returned the hug, somehow comforted by the gesture.

“I liked the Lilly story better,” Parker whispered, and everyone had a small laugh again.

“I think Lilly’d be glad a story about her is the highlight of a get together,” Veronica mused.

“I think she’d be bummed most conversations about her are about her murder, now,” Logan added.

“To be fair, most murders aren’t fun, and Lilly always did want to have the most fun possible.”

“I know of a fun murder.”

“It didn’t happen on a fun night, so it doesn’t count, Logan,” Veronica said, shaking her head.

“Who’s murder?” Piz asked in a small voice, rightfully scared to ask at this point.

“My dad’s.”

“It was on the same night Cassidy jumped,” Wallace supplied.

“Holy shit,” Piz muttered.

It was in that moment that Mac realized something. Yeah, they had fucked-up lives, but honestly? Even if she hadn’t cared for any of these people here with her back when she thought she was destined to marry Lilly Kane, Mac wouldn’t have had anyone else with her to remember the bad times, and hopefully, one day, the good times too. Maybe one day, the people from their past they’d bring up late at night while drunk would be alive. She was kind of looking forward to that.

**Author's Note:**

> I've always related to Mac, at 16-17 I basically was her. (That obsession with Jasmine from Aladdin? 100% inspired by real life.) Except my mom would have killed me if I'd coloured my hair and I didn't date a murderer in high school. Or ever (to my knowledge). Aaand we have now crossed into insane territory. All I meant to say is if my school's Lilly Kane had so much as noticed me in high school, I would have died (or obsessed over it for months, which is the high school equivalent). This is basically wish fulfillment, honestly, as well as a headcanon of mine I've been meaning to explore. A headcanon that was itself likely wish fullfilment. Although I did learn later that the girl who was way too cool for me in high school was a lesbian, so life's funny like that.  
> Now you all know more about my life than you ever signed up for. Cheers. I hope the story was enjoyable <3


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